I never though that I would say this, but most people take things for granted on just about everything. We fail to see the quality of most good things that had happened or about to happen(whether to us or other individuals). But when it comes to grading other people's weaknesses, it will be on top of any priorities (you can bet on that). Being naive is one thing, being a total fool is another. Guess which one am I?
Did you know, each of the times that I apologize for something that I did was an absolute 'degradtion'(if you can call that a word ~ or if there is such word...). What I meant is : always putting other people ahead of me is the most non-selfish thing to do. Yet, I'm still judged by people around me in order to fit their needs and still in the wrong.
I wonder with questions 'what if' kept popping into my head? "What if the situation was in reverse? What would I do to overcalm the issue?" or "What if I were to be angry at somebody, how do I make sure the person understand why I am so angry and we're still communicating / friends?" or "What if it was not out of desperation, I could at least open up and speak my mind out regarding certain things?".... What if... What if....
I'm finding myself stuck at a crossroads, in the middle of nowhere and need somebody to save me / guide me to a wider perspective. I thought by acting out, trying new things, exploring other options (which is: thinking-outside-the-box) could have gotten me in such a big mess. Emotions are a bit quirky, upset and regret sets-in, self-esteem gone down, what else can I say?
Anyway, in order for me to bounce back, I'm keeping everything to myself now. "Not wanting to trust anybody" would be a best resolution since most of the "people who doesn't bother to listen nor understand" would give a damn about it. For once in my life, I admit that I am upset with what I did (which it had impacted to certain people), and I am making a stand on refusing to explain. Not worth of my time too.
I remembered someone used to say, "I trust no one, except for my mum and myself" and in order to rebound, "Whatever" would be the most annoying thing that person uses. I didn't understand at first and thought it was a bit childlike, however now I began to understand why such defense were laid through out my conversation with 'em. Good and bad things which had happened kind of rubs on you, wouldn't you agree?
Despite such delicate times and hardful moments to go through, I hereby consistantly reminding myself, everything happens for a reason and lessons to be learn. I'm not going to be lenient to myself anymore. Just maybe next time, you might not remember who I use to be. Go figure!!!!