Wednesday, 25 May 2011

Dreams again....

Last night was a blast... I enjoyed going out and buy things for myself, for my own needs... and as I were saying in my FB, big thanks for that someone who had help me making a right choice for the bag that was looking for. So far satisfied.... Anyway, this is not the thing that I wanna talk about....

I have been facing a lot of weird dreams lately... 3 nights back... I dreamt that I was in the office, going to work as normal, but I was in an arguement... I don't know the details to it but I know that I was at 6th floor in my office, aruging with my boss. He was definitely pissed about something and something to do with work. I fired back, and turned my back on him as I walk away... Woke up with a headache.

2 nights back, another dream popped in again.... this time I sat down with a friend, she said that she is breaking up with her boy and nothing can stop her. I was there listening to every details and I can't comment much because the dream started in the middle of the conversation. I was a bit shocked and tried to convince her to tell me what was the reason, she says "Well, u know about it"...angrily....then I was woken up by my dad's phone call. Realizing that the dream was hanging due to a phone call, it left me a lot of empty blanks and question marks....Hmmm, something was not right and nothing was adding up...It doesn't make any sense...

Last was a bit weird... My mum told me that the night before last night, she was visited by 4 people at the same time. She only recognize one.... The late Uncle Hamdan, he was a collegue of my mom, whom died several years ago. She said that he just smiled and looked at her, he was wearing Arabic clothing, he looks plum, healthy and beautiful.... I told her that I was worried. If ever that he came to visit or something else...She said that might be just a visit.....Still, it does worry me, because my mum would have people who had died come and visit her from time to time in her dreams....

My part came later... I slept last night and dreamt again..... This time, I don't know why, I dreamt that I was is in one of the Starbucks Branches, I have both of my parents were with me and demanded for the cashier to print out the summary of the cash register... It's as if they are running the place or something.... One of the pages shows a footer... "Leen: How could you do this? We are engaged and you are willing to drop everything just because...." That was a bit weird, I could not make up the words for the name and ending of the footer... so it continues, "(blurred name couldn't figure it out): I find that your daughter is an amazing individual and I would like to...(scribble, scribble , scribble)".... then I woke up, this was with a massive headache...I don't even know where to start... And I don't even know what all the 3 dreams mean....Hmm....*wondering*....

I really hope as people would say: "Mimpi hanyalah mainan tidur....Jangan risau lah...."
I really hope it is true.....or is it a de javu...?

Monday, 23 May 2011

Get It Right???!!!

what have i done?
i wish i could run,
away from this ship going under
just trying to help
hurt everyone else
now i feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

what can you do when your good isn’t good enough
and all that you touch tumbles down?
cause my best intentions
keep making a mess of things,
i just wanna fix it somehow
but how many times will it take?
oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right, to get it right?

can i start again, with my fate shaken?
cause i can’t go back and undo this
i just have to stay and face mistakes,
but if i get stronger and wiser, i’ll get through this

what can you do when you’re good isn’t good enough?
and all that you touch tumbles down?
cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things,
i just wanna fix it somehow
but how many times will it take?
oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

so i throw up my fists, throw a punch in the air,
and accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!
yeah, i’ll send down a wish and i’ll send up a prayer
and then finally someone will see how much i care

what can you do when you’re good isn’t good enough?
and all that you touch tumbles down?
cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things,
i just wanna fix it somehow
but how many times will it take?
oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?
Some how I can relate to this song above....
Need to try and stand on my own two feet and stay by not running away.... but sometimes people just need to be saved.....
I have tried finding my own solace place(i don't even know whether this context is even correct) to rebound from all that has been happening... "Feeding on other people's happiness"?? Who the heck am I kidding myself? At first it was ok... but after a while, it began to hit me... hard!!!!
I'm not at all ok.... I missed all those times when I was in that situation... mooning over something, being happy and in love...not to forget, each moment counts during the progress of being in a relationship...Feeling envious is just the tip of my sad ~ sad life....
What I had planned for the past 5 years.... Poof.... vanished... Rage is still within me and nothing can stop that feeling for that one *tuut tuut tuut*.
There would be some moments that I just put myself out from my own shell and reflect back as I don't really like what I see. A very sad and lonely person. Am I being too careful until I forget to loosen up a bit?
What do I find being myself is too hard....? And instead I need to put on my poker face confront to people, and convince that everything is gonna be fine when it is not? I wish I can just turn back time and wack that person who gave me the empty promises and yank that balls of his.... No good @#%^&*()*&^%#@#$^&......
Now... I'm on a crossroads... to stay and face it... or to go and disappear(I've never done this one before)....? There is this guy.... I may really like this person... He has shown his empathy and care but i have no single clue what he is thinking about... Can never put my fingers on what he is up to....Or everything is just my imaginations.... Anyway.... I've just realized that I thought I've lost that emotional feeling until..... hehe... to be continued....

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Fate?! Or Karma?!

Who would have thought my ol' flame's profile came knocking on my door? It has been so long since the last time I spoke of him & to him. After we graduated, we went our own separate ways and didn't even turned back to reflect on the unfinished business we had that time.

I was here, lead my own life and doing my job at where I am now. I was being a kid and definitely selfish when our relationship ended. I was egoistic enough that I didn't care what will happen to me in the future. One of the biggest life lessons that I can still remember, "if you love somebody, let them go and fly free, but if they come back, you are mend to be together". Even when I sat by myself, looking at those people that I really care about, those words kept on drumming in my ears.

In terms of relationship, he is a very patient guy and always forgiving. He is one of the sweetest guy I've met, but I took things for granted then. And he knows about it. Wow, how did I missed that? I never forget his birthday, but failed to remember his full name(sad, isn't it?) *Who ask him to call himself by his nickname then...hehe...Sorry, babe... I really forgot your name* All of those memories came rushing back to me.

He is doing very well now and working on his dream job. I can only wish many happiness and all the best in everything that he does. My prayer goes to him.When we had a chat just now, I can't deny that I was a bit embarrassed and ackward towards him. I didn't really know where to start. I really hope he could forgive me for whatever I did then. 

Can you call this fate since karma took it's toll on me? Then, we'll have to just see.....

Saturday, 14 May 2011


Everybody here have own wishes roaming around their head... I wish I had mine made up and comes true.... But I did not expect that I'll be sticking arround for almost 5 years now... Is it time to pursue my own dream? Can I just drop everything I own and move a different place instead....??

I know I am much more that what I can give and I know I can succeed if I'm willing to take a risk...but it is such a risky and bold move...Hmmm....*sigh*....especially "soom booo deee" at my age....

Biting my fingers as I'm making my decision...*yikes*... "Ya Allah, help me through this tough times as I'm unwillingly and uncertain on making such decision....Amin..."

Oh yeah... tough to accept the fact when my instincts were true....I knew that something is going to go wrong and I hate it for a fact.... not to mention bad luck after bad experience after bad events are happening to me and people around me... As I said before.... :
                1. I scratch my car on my way to work;
                2. I had to start answering calls, a the same time that agents kept on popping up to me either to assure informations or to pass over a supervisor's case,;
                3. Problem with superior about a couple of cases, not to mention;
                4. A system glitch on applying annual leave which is unexplainable;
                5. Internal service deliverence case which will somehow prove I'm incompetent;
                6. Agent's application for another position got denied;
                7. Penalizing agents' due to performance issue and IDR problems;
                8. Getting questions on not improving my performance for the past months;
                9. Getting myself into trouble just so.......hmmm...*sigh*
                10. Got my car into riding over a big-gigantic rock and got stuck...(I totally did not see it at all, my mind was somewhere in the cloud)*Darn*
                11. Feel wanna pull myself out from such troubled week;
                12. Also, wanna pull myself out from... ehem ehem!!!!!
                13. Last, but not least, I feel like I wanna hide away somewhere so that these problems go away.... Letting the time mends all wounds.....

Why is it happening in sequence like this....? I dare not step ahead nor step back, it's as if there are no way out of this mess....What can I do now that all these things are clouding my head..?

Sometimes I do forget how to breathe...breaking down and cry my head off (oh wait a minute, did that already....) but still, no leads on finding a good way out here....Face the music and until pushed to the wall would be the only solution , I guess....*sigh* 'Noreen.... Noreen.... what am I gonna do with you!?' *sob sob*

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Thought that was over....

As stated in the title..... I really thought, "let get it over and done with".... I was finally summon by my superior and had no choice but to confront him.... I was damn scared to face him as there are a lot of things to be talked about. I was really not ready for any of it.... God, why does it have to happened now?

I know it was my own mistakes...
                        Annual leave~neglected...
                        Performance ~neglected too...
                        Team motivation~ neglected.....(I think)
                        Self motivation~ neglected as well.....

I respect to people I look upon and cherish every single knowledge and wisdom shared... but honestly speaking.... I don't even know what the hell am I doing.... no directions, no motivations, too much changes.... so much so it is hard to keep up..... I don't know for sure if I can say whether this job is not for me anymore.

"Spoiling them too much", they said.... "u are to close and cannot differenciate between ur job and ur status".....Lantak pi...!!! Whatever that they wanna say... go ahead... eventhough it is true from a person at my position.... I don't know any rules and boundries anymore...I just don't care....I just don't anymore... Sorry guys, but this person that u all know will not be making any sense for the time being...Lalala..~!!! (^.^")

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Naper lah aku rasa macam terlampau marah sangat!!!!

Damn!!!!! Aku tak pernah rasa begitu dalam kemarahan...not until today... tah naper tak rasa macam nak maki orang jer.... Banyak sangat benda yang berlaku harini..... scratch my lovely car on the way to work.... almost late due to jam.... kena jawab call due to Tier 2 and 3.... MCs and EL encounting.... n the bloody Manager's case....(no bloody comment on it at all).... trying to make the best out of today pun masih lagi rasa macam bad luck giler...Tah lah... my lucky star turn rouge on me.... hmmm*sigh*

Aku rasa macam nak campak jer barang sampai pecah.....tak kisah lah pinggan ke, cawan ker, benda yang boleh di campak pecah!!!!! Banyak kali aku dok beristigfar, but still panas hati!!!! Ada sebab lain ker? hmmm...tah lah... mungkin ye... mungkin tak....

"Ya Allah, bantu lah aku mencari ketenangan dan cara2 untuk sejuk dari kemarahan ini....Permudahkanlah hari- hari ku yang akan datang.....Apa yang Engkau hendak ku pelajari, ku redha dengan semua yang Engkau berikan...."

Dugaan yang mendatang berkemungkinan tidak dapat dikawal lagi... ada cara yang lebih elok ke atau cara2 untuk atasi dari hilang pertimbangan / kawalan diri....?

Sunday, 8 May 2011

Still Confused??!!

I tend to find myself stuck in the middle of other people's business whereby I should know better not to participate on any conflicts and problems. As you all know, I have enough problems to last me a lifetime. But still, I don't know why I will get myself into any mess and try to fix things. I can't say for certain that I'm a perfectionist, because I'm not. Just can't help seeing other people in dilemma whereby I could have just leave it alone somehow......

A few days back I had posted in my wall about being confused.... Then... The next day I posted up again of being confused again.....Well, honestly speaking.... I have not had any clue what to do with what I'm going through. I really want to leave it alone and run my own life by things which are happening to me are a big distraction. I wish I could just walk away, but I definitely can't because I have to face it every single day. I come to find myself stuck on this journey, on a stand still in the middle of nowhere, hanging at the crossroad.

Oh Lord, I have no idea what you are planning here but it's killing me deeply. I do have faith in every single tests You have given me, but this one is just too hard. I am happy that all ends well and each ends have its own beginning... But what is it that You want me to learn from all this? Please help me through the days.... Kindly reconsider the fragile heart which is wavering for some mercy and blessings.....Help me to be stronger each day as for I am Your servent, I pray to you to have mercy on me....In Your name, Ya Allah, I humbly pray to thee for some comfort and blessings...

Sunday, 1 May 2011

Photogenic ker?....Hmmmm

Aku cuba nak fahamkan orang yang minat bergambar, orang yang suka amik gambar, orang yang minat bidang fotografi dan orang yang salah gunakan kamera. Hmmm... Ada lah kekadang yang aku tgk dalam FB ni, tak kisah lah dia sapa, baik dalam Friends list aku mahupun tak, tapi ada yang menyalah gunakan kamera.... Contoh, aku dah tgk teknik2 dan cara2 org yang minat sangat dgn bidang fotografi ni, depa amik gambar, dari macam2 angle, di'blur'kan, di hitam-putihkan, main dgn fokus lensa dsb utk dapat gambar2 yang unik....I salute orang yang mempunyai kelebihan tu, sesungguhnya, mereka tau kelebihan terletak pada seni.

Yang aku tak faham ni, cam-whoring.... jenis yang suke amik gambar byk2 pada masa yang sama utk luxury diri, bukan nak tapis dulu, men upload jer gambar tu.... kalo semua angle tu cantik satu hal gak...rasa agak jelak dan jemu bebalik tgk muka ko... bebalik muka ko... 1 hari sampai 25 jenis posing yang berbeza, pastu darab lah dgn 30-31 hari.... paling aku tak suke...muka yang di postkan nak mengghairahkan... Sepatutnye, gambar2 yang agak personal tu, tak payah lah nak tabir ke seluruh dunia... sungguh pun ko confident dgn asset ko...aku tak kisah...lantak pi lah... tapi kalo aku sendiri tgk pun dah agak meluat, ko rasa other people tak terasa malu ker? Sodar sikit....tah lah... aku pun tak tau nak kata per... kalo macam ni kaedah2 semua orang(yang berperangai sebegini)...buruk sangat pe'el tu....