Good Luck ol' friend!!!!

Hmmm.... I feel that this life of mine is almost complete(**key word: almost...) .... However...it was a bit weird that last night I have been approached by Anonymous asking me to keep myself away from a friend that I knew....Reason:: Need to prep him for some big exam....  It is reasonable for that person to say such things as some of the explanations do make a little bit of sense.... And I also smell threat coming from this person eventhough he/she meant well and doing his/her job as my friend's mentor...
Yeah, whatever it is that this person asking for, he/she better have all the cheats and tricks up his/her sleeves as big time guidance needed to be given... I do, I really do respect the wish that he/she is asking for but don't stress and break my friend apart for the exam that he/she wants him to pass...

As a friend, just a reminder for myself::

"Be not selfish of things or what you do. Be reasonable and understandable of situations that just maybe a day I come learn and acknowledge why it had happened in the first place."

To my friend who is facing his exam, Good Luck! I believe you will make wonders and you know whatever the result is I still have your back...k....Don't forget to smile and put those worries away,k.....

There goes my money....

It all happened on Friday(16th Sept 2011).... 1st auntie came down to stay with us for a few nights for a gathering that we had...My mom and I had already planned it out to recite the Yassin and perform Tahlil amongst my aunts and uncles during the 'kenduri'.... most of the invitees came and helped out. As soon as 1st Auntie came here, I knew it's gonna be trouble.... I had already planned out my offer to decline the idea of going shopping, and it looks like she took it hard.

And so..... the 'Kenduri' went well... everybody goes home with a big smile on their faces.... I can vouch to say on behalf of them, I was impress my mom tend to 'open up the house' this year with a event such as this..... And I was happy that events like this should be arrange more offen. Anyway....everybody was already tired, and went to bed early.....

The next morning came.... I thought that I could at least sleep a little while.... then my mom came in, woke me up and ask me to do her a favor~that is to take her sister out for shopping spree...Vaguely i remembered she saying, "Why do you refuse to sent her?"...and I said, "I hate the sight of massive extraordinary jam in town"..... this is where hell starts.... one thing that I can't really refuse, when mum have that urges to ask,instruct or beg to do something abnormal....I was unhappy and upset, but it was my mom's wished, so I obeyed.....just imagine that waking up to a 4.30am sleep and waking up at 8.40am.... Groggy!!!

Moving on.... went out at 10.40am.... reach another town to pick up my other Aunt....we left her house at 12pm to go to One Utama.... the ridiculous thing about this auntie.... she is a big 'Slowpoke'... everything is according to her time.....As we reached OU, we went down to eat and then starts to shop.... We went to Parkson on the New Wing, then had food in 'Just Thai'....in between time... my 2nd Auntie was on the phone most of her f*cking time and forgot that she is actually out shopping with us.... Grrrr....
Then, my 2nd auntie told me that we are going to an open house and need to wait for her friend(whom will be coming from Melawati)....we waited for her friend about 1 1/2 hour and ending up cancel the trip... giving reasons that the jam was massive and unable to attend.... my 2nd auntie was also undecided to go for the open house, just that she hadn't had any clue how to get there... the instructions were a blur....So I drove to the address given...

Stayed there for a while and head back to my 2nd Auntie's house.....As we dropped off my 2nd Auntie... my 1st Auntie was determine to go back to OU to catch a movie.... And so we headed back to OU...My 1st Auntie had gone down for prayers and I was left at the movie to buy the tickets.....took the 11pm to catch 'Fright Night 3D'....

As I was waiting for her in such grogginess.... I was running a lot of things through my head... I thought I wanted to cancel the movie trip, send her back and go out again to watch it with one of my friends....I blew her off on several occasions and things that I can't really explain why was in this hell-hole...Shared the idea with my 1st Auntie, and she was not please... kept on rambling about "...I want to...", "...as we planned, remember?", "...I wanna stay and watch it with you..." shit...And so I played along...We went to watch the movie, by the time we came out, I was already feeling sleepy and lousy....we head back to our house and I thought that was it....

And so, this morning I thought I wanna sleep in for the day and start it out a little bit later.. but no..... she came in early to wake me up to request a trip to TAR road....there and then I said that I'll just go through with it... We arrived there at 2.30pm, had lunch and set for the streets...So, the day's event was ~ so-so... followed her around and to find hijjabs and material for 'Baju Kurung' was unbelievably mental....as I mentioned before... A woman, When it comes to shopping, if she were to be sick can instantly recover from her sickness...Goodness.... Alhamdulillah I'm not like that....

We came home at 6.30pm and set for dinner at 8.30pm....went to Papparich in Tmn Sri Gombak... came home at 9.30pm... and guess what? As I was about to park her car, the gear was in 'P' mode...I can't push the car manually, and I went back into the car, with my right-leg dangling outside the driver-side door to put it on 'N' mode.... I didn't know what happen, the gear goes to 'D' and the car starts to move.... Damn!!!! I lost control of the car, and scratch her car at 3 sides, the front driver's door, the middle and the back door at my brickwall gate...(it was a bloody Honda City for crying out loud..... Damn!!!)

All I heard was the friction of the car and my auntie's voice saying, "No!No!No!what did you do...?What have you done?"...Yadda Yadda Yadda... all the rambling starts again...I kept on apologizing....but the thing I heard was "My car!!" Err, hello.... foot outside of the door here...I remembered once upon a time, when I had that kind of accident, the first thing my parents ask was, "are you ok?"... *Sigh*

I don't know what to say....really..... I just walked up to my mom and told her I was so sorry about what had happened...Trembling and shaky, I walk to my room slowly and never I had imagine that there goes my money again....

Whirlwind Experience

The Cary Brothers - Belong

Second day of Raya....*sigh*... I had to make the call... I had to call off the whole friendship/couple situation and finally made a stand of declining my ex from playing around my feelings. I wonder, what would men gain from having a lot of girlfriends / scandals despite of they know that these girls would get hurt in the end? What for? Why? I refuse to get into such unhealthy relationship with whomever who has the intentions on having multiple-relationships simultaneously. And I was definitely out!!!!!

Then, on the Fourth day of Raya...came along another individual into my so-called "arena"(attention).... Gave all these ideas of wanting a lot of things, wanting an open relationship... shared a lot of ups and downs within 3-4 hours conversation....What a "Whirlwind Experience"....

*Sigh*... I find it entertaining, stable and clicked with him instantly....What a dreamy situation I had myself into and it was too good to be true.... very surreal... If I were to have a checklist about my type of guy, this individual would definitely have the most demands that I wanted. Closing to a week old, this so-called friendship is hard to describe, almost poison-like, nonetheless calling it a relationship....!!

When a week has past, I felt slowly that I've been ignored.... I was advice by a couple of close friends quite sometime ago, saying that "you should test this guy, have him a little run for his 'money'", or "you should confront him for his intentions..." or "better ask him how he feels about this situation..." They pretty well know that I despised testing other people, confronting or asking directly how he felt about anything.

*Sighing sadly* Finally I've faced my fears and come to know, I had just walked into a door as it comes back hitting me on the face....Wow... nearly melodramatic and very hurtful feeling. Despite embarrassment and pain, it was a little too much for me to handle. This is where voices came into my head saying, "I told you so".

'You are not mine to begin with....You are not mine to begin with....' kept on pounding in my head.... How much I hate using those words..... I hate this feeling, being insecure, uncomfortable and a handful of painful emotions..... Too easy to fall for the inevitable..... That's it... I'm not going to waste my time and feelings over something/someone which is not mine....

There....!!! I've said it.... I've finally found the answer that I was looking for, it does in a way hurt me.... but honestly speaking....I'm glad that I am able to find out about it sooner.... Better than later on, then it would hurt me even more.... Damn!!! Damn!!! Damn!!! Why was I caught up in this mess in the first place??

Sam, Kurt and Tom Hanks....Yale 2011

OMG...How I love Sam Tsui's voice and Kurt Hugo Schneider talent... this is a guys whom actually enjoy their music and the talents amongst friends... Somehow, no matter what songs that they sung, his voice manage to calm me down and make my worries disappear...... How about this speech given by Tom Hanks at their Graduation Day in Yale a few weeks back.....

This is why such speech are so inspiring....I wish I could write as good as that

Feeling Down and Pressure Up

People around me always seems so happy in so many ways.... Walking around with their family, friends, lover, husband, wife, children.... With smiles on their faces left me in doubt... Questions that kept on popping into my mind is: What are they thinking about? Sometimes, face-expression and body language can be so deceiving, it makes you head spin.

Today, I went out to have dinner with a bunch of friends... At first everything was perfectly fine until I've dropped one of them home, only then I realize how misarable I have been for the past days... 4days have past, still confuse with situations which has its turning point within a split of a second... People in love, a person grow out of love, girls getting engage after raya, a bunch getting married, a person is hurt, another couple ending their marriage and another ending their engagement...a person is in love with another bunch of people's relationship and another just standing on the sidelines, watching over a person that he/she love  from afar.......

Really dreadful week.... What did I get myself into.... Talking about being very disturb and craving on the sorrowness of others putting me is terrible state of patheticness...I've always said that I will always become this hideous person where I became a safety net for every person that I find myself involved with.....and each everytime I came to like someone.... he either is in or gonna be in a relationship with another girl... and always been the one that put on a smiley face and say to myself, "it's gonna be ok, I'm gonna be ok...." Yeah right....

I've always wanted to fight back and say, " Why her and not me....?" It became a tremendous pressure that it really puts a toll on my now as I looked back in time for every action that I did.... I can defy, saying I've always retreat and not pushing it(not fighting  for it).....I am tired as I mentioned before in the previous blog).....Always feel envious of other people's relationship, and stupid enough to say that what happens not doesn't matter.....

Well it DOES MATTER!!!! Hell yeah it matters to me.... I thought I had found my (guy) soulmate.... but he doesn't belong to me.... "let fate decide"? Huh.... who are we kidding.... If I don't work on it, you think God will just drop you a guy that has something on the forehead says, "I'm your soulmate"?... Not a chance....

I hope that tonight I can sleep on this matter and forget by the time tomorrow comes.....

Rasa sakit bila orang melamar ???

Semalam aku gi jumpa member aku ni hah... dok lepak dgn dia... Borak pasal macam2... salah satunye cite pasal hal jodoh....Mak aih... tertekan nye aku.... Just imagine lah kan....aku ni tak pernah nak berfikiran negative pasal hal jodoh, tapi naper tah, dgn dia aku emo... bukan nye aper... aku happy utk semua kengkawan yang dapat jodoh tu... kengkawan yang dah nak kahwin tu mengingatkan aku tentang umur aku... tu lah yang paling sedih tu....

Ko nak tau tak aper rasanye sakit bila orang melamar nak kahwin? Macam ramai kengkawan aku tau cerita ni, aku spend 4 tahun utk pertahankan relationship aku dgn pasangan aku dulu, tapi tak.... kene tipu hidup2... dia tinggalkan aku for another gurl... I buried myself in work for the next 9 months.  And that guy came back.

Aku bagi peluang pada dia balik pada aku, tapi hati ni kata aku tak boleh nak percaya pada dia lagi dah.... Aku mintak dia buktikan dia boleh win aku balik...so dia lamar aku lagi sekali... Pastu dapat tau dia kene berkursus for 3 months. Aku musykil and sangsi gak lah... aku ada rasa yang dia akan curang balik....

So, 3 months had passed.... Dia bagitau aku dia tak nak balik and dia nak sambung belajar.... katanye dia tak lulus so dia kene sambung balik... aku dah rasa suspicious dah masa tu... then dia start hilang2... 2 minggu sekali, 1 bulan sekali, bila2 aku call jer, dia tak nak angkat... dia kata dia sibuk, suke sangat call aku masa aku dah tido... masa tu memang dah tak boleh blah dah.

So, I took the initiative to break off dgn dia... masa yang sama, aku memang jadi orang yang serious dan pemarah... Masa tu memang  pada sesiapa yang datang kacau aku, kene maki giler2 lar.... Then, something happened lar(I think that I'll reserve that story for another blog or I'll get myself into trouble).....

Yang best about the break up tu, aku kene tuduh ada jantan lain... aku cakap benda yang benar pun EX aku tak percaya... then aku terfikir macam mana aku boleh terima lelaki yang tuduh aku yang bukan2. Yang best tu dia siap mintak nama jantan tu, tanya keje kat mana(semua detail tu ler)... and I kept everything shut to myself. So, there goes another hurtful relationship.

2 month berlalu, aku browse FB aku via BB, bila aku call phone, kekadang kalo no hp kite link pada FB orang lain, nampak orang tu nye profile picture kat dalam hp kite... My 2nd no appear profile pic ex aku... so aku pun masuk lah FB dia (konon nye nak padam no aku tu)... hmmm... tah naper tah aku bagi member aku check profile dia, and so dia browse lah ke dalam inbox mamat tu....And guess what?

Talking about ending up this relationship is painful, lagi lah sakit bila aku dapat tau EX aku menduakan aku...opss sorry, bukan menduakan, men’tiga’kan aku... Dia ada 2 org GF after dia break dgn aku... n still ada hati nak tuduh aku curang.... sebak dowh aku, terus meleleh air mataku, terdiam n terduduk aku jap....

A few days later, aku jalan kan tugas giler, aku mengantoikan EX aku tu kat kedua2 GF dia... Tujuan aku? sakit hati? marah? gila? Semuanya ada serba sedikit, tapi yang paling utama sekali, dia cabar aku utk exposekan diri dia…sapa soh wat fitnah dgn aku. Dia ingat aku takut dgn kehilangan dia... aku memang tak boleh tolerate lelaki yang kuat menipu ni.... Napalah ko nak cari jodoh, sanggup tikam menikam, curang, kejam, fitnah...? I had enough of him and he doesn't appreciate women properly...

That is why I did such so... As I gone back to my house, I remembered how I have promised to myself that I won't do that again after that insident. I kept my promise... and you know what... rasa berdosanya aku dgn tindakan aku meng’expose’kan dia yang curang tu.. However it is a lesson should be learned and shared, not to mention sacrificing my love in order to do the right thing. Sapa kata aku tak sayang... aku sayangkan dia(tipu lah kata sampai sekarang aku tak sayang dia), tapi kalo macam ni tak reti nak setia pada yang satu jer... not worth of my time and love....

Hukum karma:: padan muka aku, aku terima balasan dgn redha je lah...Aku give up... aku give up dengan mencari jodoh... everytime aku bertemu dengan sesiapa saje yang aku suke /minat... ends up orang tu jadi milik orang lain... aku give up....

Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love

Huaarrrghhh *yawn*....

OMG.... mengantuk giler ni.... dah tak leh nak blah dah hah... baru pukul 10.44am on this Monday morning ni.... Macam aku wall kan FB aku semalam, Padan muka aku nak sangat melepaskan rindu pada kopi, hamik.... rasakan... aku tak jangka 2 shots of expresso in the caramel machiatto boleh buat aku tak tido 24 hours.... ke memang dah tak lali pada "cafè" or should I say caffeine?

Huaarrrghhh *yawn*.... payah ni nak buat keje ni.... Aduhai banyak kot keje aku nak siapkan harini... tapi tak boleh nak focus deh....memacam keadaan, tapi yang ni is no exceptional.... mau nye sakit kepala nak bersengkang mata ni... aku dok pikir kul 4pg tadi boleh lah aku tido sat dalam 1jam- 1 1/2jam.... kul 4.30pg, Naza dah datang kejut bersahur... per lagi... aku pun gi makan sahur... makan cepat2 pastu cuba tido balik....masuk kul 5pg and bangun balik kul 6.30pg....

Mak aih... mmg tak cukup lah time tido aku wei....paksa gak lah badan ni gi mandi, solat, and siap2 gi keje.... sampai jer ofis, kene aircond... mmg rasa macam nak cari bantal and tarik selimut jer ni.... Tolong wey... minda aku penat ni....waaakkkk.....