Handle personal inquiries from family members with ease
When the neighborhood coffee shop starts featuring its annual peppermint latte and your favorite radio station switches its playlist to include yuletide ditties, you know the holiday season is here. But why is it that every year, instead of rejoicing about upcoming family festivities, you break out in a cold sweat? Maybe it’s because these annual gatherings bring relatives out of the woodwork who assault you with a barrage of cringe-worthy questions.
“Family members are so comfortable with one another these days, they’re no longer considerate,” says Anna Post, etiquette expert for the Emily Post Institute. “And when we let our guard down, sometimes boundaries get swept away with formalities,” she says. “When you go to family gatherings, have some small talk prepared in advance,” says Jodi R. R. Smith, owner of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting in Massachusetts and author of From Clueless to Class Act. “This way, when your cousin asks how you are, you won’t give her an opening to default into topics that are too personal,” she adds. Here, see how to survive the seasonal inquisition with your dukes down and your dignity intact.
1. “When are you going to get remarried?”
As if it isn’t hard enough to find a date who’ll commit, the last thing you need is to feel pressure from your family. Refrain from running straight for the exit. In this scenario, a dose of humor can help deflect the question, says Post. Say something like, “I don’t know, my crystal ball’s kind of cloudy.” This will get your point across without attacking and you’ll be diplomatic for the sake of the rest of the table. “Remove your feelings of judgment and find out why the person is asking,” says Smith. “Most likely, you’ll find he or she is just concerned about you,” she says. Instead of getting upset, ask if the person has anyone to set you up with, or if they could put out the word that you are looking.
2. “Do you really need that second slice of pie?”
Nothing kills a craving like being reminded that the treat you’re about to eat will go straight to your thighs. Little does your uncle know you’ve sworn off sweets for the past month in preparation for your grandma’s apple crumb pie. “Toss off the comment in a way that shows him he isn’t getting the best of you, says Cheryl Dellasega, PhD, author of Forced to Be Family: A Guide for Living with Sinister Sisters, Drama Mamas, and Infuriating In-Laws. Say, “Today’s my splurge day and I’m going to have seconds.” Humor can also be a good way to mask your hurt feelings, says Smith. You might respond with, “Well, there will just be more of me to love!” If you don’t want to dignify your uncle with a response, say nothing and look at him with a raised brow; hopefully your message will come across loud and clear, says Smith.
3. “Are you planning on having kids anytime soon?”
Whether your aunt is asking out of curiosity or concern, it’s still none of her business. One great way to shut her down is to change the topic and immediately ask someone else at the table a question. “Hey, cousin Kat, didn’t you go to Jane’s baby shower recently?” This makes it clear that the topic is off limits. Or you could give her a “right back at ya” response, like, “Why do you ask?” says Post. “This will call her out in a polite way while still protecting yourself,” she says. Not to mention you’ll expose her motives for asking in the first place. Let your facial expressions do all the talking; you’re basically giving her a yellow warning card so hopefully she’ll know not to go there again. Again, humor can be a great tool for deflection, says Smith. Say something like, “We’ll let you know, but in the meantime, we’re having fun trying.”
4. “When will your husband get a better job?”
This one just defies all levels of politeness, so the best way to defuse the situation is with a laugh, says Dr. Dellasega. Respond with, “How about it, honey, when will you be promoted to CEO?” Or turn the question around on your relative with a, “Why, are you hiring?” A lighthearted response shows you aren’t taking the question too seriously, says Dr. Dellasega. If instead, your relative asks you when you’re entering the workforce again, you can say, “This isn’t something I’m talking about right now.” It’s a factual response and cuts right to the chase. If she keeps pushing, get up and leave the table and she’ll get the message.
5. “Will you ever get your kids to behave?”
Leave it to grouchy Grandpa to criticize your parenting skills. First take a deep breath and repeat, “serenity now, serenity now,” a few times in your head. Then calmly ask Gramps if he has any parenting advice for you, says Dr. Dellasega. Try not to make a scene; otherwise, it’ll start to go downhill from there. You might involve him in the solution, says Smith. For instance, ask him if he’d like to take your kids over to the couch and read them a story. This will make him feel important and will likely get your kids to settle down, too.
If you know your family’s communication style, (Grandpa always has something critical to say), prepare yourself in advance, says Dr. Dellasega. Sit as far away from him as possible, so you’re not in firing range. Another way to handle the situation is to call ahead and ask your host the agenda for the meal, what’s on the menu, what time you’ll be eating and if there is a room where your child can take a nap, says Smith. “A little pre-emptive etiquette will help you create an environment in which your child has the opportunity to succeed, not fail,” she says. For example, if your daughter’s nap time conflicts with the starting time of the get-together, you can plan to arrive a little later, just before the meal, to let her sleep so she won’t be cranky at the table.
6. “How much did your new house cost?”
Unless you’re on the witness stand, you don’t have to answer anyone’s questions if you don’t want to, says Smith. This one is no exception—you’re surely not going to announce the amount you paid for your home in front of a table full of people. If you feel comfortable, be direct and say, “This isn’t something we’re discussing publicly.” When done right, a dose of directness can be effective for giving the person a clear social cue, and he or she may respect you more for being honest, says Post. You might give the benefit of the doubt and say, “Why, are you in the market for a new home?” If the person is actually looking, you can easily transition to a related topic, says Smith. When you’ve tried everything and your nosy relative just keeps pushing for an answer, say, “I’m not sure what the final price was, but if you really want to know, you can go down to the courthouse and look up the deed.”
7. “What did your daughter get on her SATs?”
If it’s not the SATs, you can expect your cousin to compare report cards, gymnastics tournaments or birthday party venues. Respond in a light way with something like, “That’s a secret in our house,” says Dr. Dellasega. Know that your cousin is competitive because she probably feels envious of you in some way. So be the bigger person and don’t indulge her. You could also answer with a diplomatic, “We’re really proud of her, she did better than she even expected,” then change the subject, says Post. Or, if you don’t care, and your daughter feels comfortable talking about her scores, then be proud to reveal them, she says.
8. “Wow, you look really different than you did last year, what changed?”
If you know your sister-in-law has a track record of doling out backhanded comments, rather than yelling something nasty back to her, say, “Oh, I changed my shade of lipstick, do you like it?” You may have gained 10 pounds, but the last thing you want or need to do is acknowledge her snide remark, says Smith. “Any spark of anger on your part only rewards her bad behavior,” she says. Enlist the help of a trusted relative (ahead of time) to step in and save you when the tirade begins. “You can tell her to steer the conversation toward another topic, like books, movies or sports—anything that won’t elicit a personal attack,” says Post. Or you can call her out with a response that puts her on the spot, like “I don’t know, what do you think is different?” “Most likely she’ll realize you’ve called her bluff and change the subject,” says Post.
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