Feeling Down and Pressure Up

People around me always seems so happy in so many ways.... Walking around with their family, friends, lover, husband, wife, children.... With smiles on their faces left me in doubt... Questions that kept on popping into my mind is: What are they thinking about? Sometimes, face-expression and body language can be so deceiving, it makes you head spin.

Today, I went out to have dinner with a bunch of friends... At first everything was perfectly fine until I've dropped one of them home, only then I realize how misarable I have been for the past days... 4days have past, still confuse with situations which has its turning point within a split of a second... People in love, a person grow out of love, girls getting engage after raya, a bunch getting married, a person is hurt, another couple ending their marriage and another ending their engagement...a person is in love with another bunch of people's relationship and another just standing on the sidelines, watching over a person that he/she love  from afar.......

Really dreadful week.... What did I get myself into.... Talking about being very disturb and craving on the sorrowness of others putting me is terrible state of patheticness...I've always said that I will always become this hideous person where I became a safety net for every person that I find myself involved with.....and each everytime I came to like someone.... he either is in or gonna be in a relationship with another girl... and always been the one that put on a smiley face and say to myself, "it's gonna be ok, I'm gonna be ok...." Yeah right....

I've always wanted to fight back and say, " Why her and not me....?" It became a tremendous pressure that it really puts a toll on my now as I looked back in time for every action that I did.... I can defy, saying I've always retreat and not pushing it(not fighting  for it).....I am tired as I mentioned before in the previous blog).....Always feel envious of other people's relationship, and stupid enough to say that what happens not doesn't matter.....

Well it DOES MATTER!!!! Hell yeah it matters to me.... I thought I had found my (guy) soulmate.... but he doesn't belong to me.... "let fate decide"? Huh.... who are we kidding.... If I don't work on it, you think God will just drop you a guy that has something on the forehead says, "I'm your soulmate"?... Not a chance....

I hope that tonight I can sleep on this matter and forget by the time tomorrow comes.....